May is Mental Health Month. For most of my life, I knew something was wrong. I just didn’t have anyone to tell who would take me seriously. I’ve always been depressed, anxious and “anti-social” (which I now know to mean “introverted”).
Last year, around this time, I finally fought help. I saw a therapist for most of the spring and summer, but it got to the point where thinking about going to these sessions was causing me more anxiety than it was helping.
I discontinued therapy and was put on medication. It helped at first – I was finally able to get out of the house without a sense of dread, I was exercising, taking my kids to places by myself wasn’t the fear-inducing experience it had always been. So my doctor and I decided to increase the dosage to see if it helped more. It didn’t. I went backwards. Way back. I wouldn’t even answer the phone when my mom called.
I went back to the doctor and tried a different med. This one was awesome! My kids all got the flu (and I did too), and instead of freaking out about it, I just powered through. After a few months though, I felt like it had stopped working. The dosage was increased. Again, it was like I went backwards.
I went back to the first med I was on. Totally different experience this time. Raised the dosage. A few steps back, but still manageable. My doctor added another med, and this is where I am currently. I go back next week to discuss things with my doctor.
In a few weeks, I start the summer semester of college. I am taking math and psychology. Along with homework and studying, summer is the time of year when my anxiety gets worse. The kids want to be outside, at the park or the lake all day, every day. But I feel that summer might be different, because of the meds, and ways I have learned to manage my anxiety. It’s not depression so much anymore, just anxiety.
I’m hoping to post more in the coming weeks, especially since May is my birth month, and turning 32 is coming up fast.